I rant about my feelings and thoughts. I am a very emotional person and drama keeps me writing. I love complaining and I love posting pictures. I love to share my thoughts and I live to see the day when everything here gets published. (Yeah right.)
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Friday, June 1, 2007
Confusion Blurs My Mind
What you see is not always what you get.
Bitterness - can we ever really avoid being bitter?
Can we really control what we really feel and turn the other cheek?
Can bitterness be curbed and directed to more productive actions?
Do people have the ability to just lay down their arms and move on?
Do we just give up on something we have invested so much on?
Being bitter is inevitable. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I should not be, I still am. So what do I do?
Thought for tonight: Happiness is fleeting. There will be times when your in ecstasy having the time of your life but these times always have, and will never be without, the opposite. Sadness sucks but like happiness, it is a crucial part of life.
But, of course, we all know this.
So what am I blabbing about again?
Tonight is one of those nights. I can't believe it was just yesterday when I was walking around in my new pair of 'flipflops' and bag. The grin on my lips and the sparkle on my eyes won't even go away. I thought it was okay to be happy that way (less than boisterous laughter but more than just a smile). I was wrong. This is my down night. It sucks.
I'm stressed. I learned in Psych10 that to fight stress, we have to
1. locate the stressor
2. try to avoid these thoughts/things
Stressors: I already lost two of my closest friends because of some stupid decisions and actions. I miss them so badly.
I still do not approve of smokers (especially if they're my friends). I just feel sad and disappointed.
I guess there are only two but they've affected me so much. I shouldn't have voiced out the story about my friend. I just made it more real. I just made it final. I just made it more painful for myself.
I just want to shout and curse and cry.
I can't shout. It's almost 12. I can't curse. I don't do that anymore. I can't cry. I have no tears.
Is this what they call crying inside?
I learned a lot from my mistakes. I don't regret anything. The only thing bugging me is the feeling. It won't go away.
It's thursday! Only two more days left before I head home to Pangasinan. I can't wait (to kick that son of doctor's ass). Hahaha! Kidding.
I am a college student. I should know what I want to be. That's what college is for. So why am I still confused?
Because we were never raised to think of the future. We were never really trained to prepare ourselves for what awaits us.
In the old times, children as young as seven year olds are already sent away from home to be apprentices to working men. Little girls are made to learn how to sew and do household because that is what is expected of them. However, that should not be the case today.
The point is, they already know who they are even at those tender ages.
What about us? That's is why it is hard for us. We wasted our whole life thinking about everything but our future lives. We spent them doing things that would not lead us to what we are supposed to be.
Now, we are struggling to look for our niche in the society.
Doing something out of the ordinary like, let's say, getting you head shaved has its consequences. Even if you have looked at it at every angle, even if you have asked for second opinions and even if you have asked for their approval, there will still be unexpected turn of events that would make you regret your decision.
I envy those who do not experience this.
Going against the norms is something I am not afraid to do. I had my head shaved. Need I say more? I don't care about the weird looks I get. I don't even give second thoughts to the smirks and stares I get. I find it even funny. It's as if they think I'm crazy.
That's just fine with me. I don't care. So what am I complaining about?
I just find it hard to reconcile with my actions when the closest of the closest to me can't accept the fact that I am who I am. I do crazy things that other people won't understand. That's Monica.
I treasure my friends so much that even if I knew they themselves don't get me, I would not let them go. Even if they trash me behind their so-called constructive criticisms, I would shrug it off and go on being friends.
But what if they go overboard? What if they hurt you so badly that they make you cry for two straight days? What if you can't concentrate on the things that need to be done because you keep on thinking about how to solve this problem? WHat if you keep on reaching out but there's no one on the other side?
What if you're just thinking life's too perfect to blow up on your face and never realize that you do have to let go and move on?
I don't want to let go. But are they telling me to do so? Do I have to burst my own bubble? I am bleeding and the only friend who can help me won't even give me first aid.
Once again, life sucks for me. I've never had this feeling for a very long time. Crappiness of life has outrun me. Then again, it makes life full of hopes. and worries.
