Pathetic
What you see is not always what you get.
So what is new? Nothing ground shattering.
I learned so much from the past only because the past keeps playing over and over again in my overcomplicating itsie-bitsie brain. Before this happened, I live for the future. Now that my spirit is broken, I live in the past. This sucks, I tell you.
Being conscious of my pathetic life and the reasons why it's going nowhere, I realize that I have to start living now - in this present moment, in this present time. I have started to live my life as if it were the best, as if I were really there. I am not sure if you understand. Before, I always rush what I do thinking that I do all these for the future, for what will become of me. Now, what I do now, is just for this moment. This is living life. You give your best on what is presented to you and never think of tomorrow's consequences or effects of your actions. That is what I do now.
That was how I started after my realizations but there are times when I just revert to my old self - to the pathetic, needy Monica. It sucks. It sucks when I start thinking of what was lost. It sucks when I start wishing for everything to come back. It sucks because I know deep in my heart that it could never be.
When I want something, I never, almost unconsciously, give up. If there's nothing else I could do, I will create something up in my mind just to convince myself that I still could have it. I'd think there's still something out there to hope for even when the truth is right there in front of me waving crazily telling me to stop my wishful thinking. I told you, pathetic.
I am sure that if he is reading this, he'd think he made the right decision. He'd think I was hurt not because he is gone but because of something way more 'superficial' and that this is all about me. That's how insulting he is. And still, the pathetic little me would overlook all these and hope that he will realize that % #$#@ $%%. This is not about me. This is about us. How I miss the fun times we had. How I miss you. I miss you.
Yes, I am pathetic.
But I still want you back. I am still hoping you'd be back.
*pathetic*
